I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
