When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
