Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
