My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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