I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
two words: eviction party
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
