I think my vagina is haunted
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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