I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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