Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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