My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
