She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
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somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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