it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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