Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
