I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He has the fingertips of a God
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