Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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