Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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