I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
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It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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