I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
