How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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