she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
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The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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