I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
