it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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