I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
