the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
