Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
