would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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