I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
