New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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