This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
