Cold hands, warm shart.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
