i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
