my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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