Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
