NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
