A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
