so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
