just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
