I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
