I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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