WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
