I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
