Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
