Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I am midnight drunk by noon
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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