OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
