new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
