she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
