I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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