i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
