we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i drank out of a bidet.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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