its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
