yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
