I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
