I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
