i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
