so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
