My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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