Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize